Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Free Bird

It's been a week since the A Levels ended for me! I'm having my holidays now! It got off with a rocky start because I was quite ill :( But nonetheless, the past 7 days were great. I had fun and I spent time with some very fantastic people.

Anyway, I was looking forward to getting a decent haircut. I needed some change in my life, so I thought "why not start with my hair?!". And because the entire Lee family gets their hair cut at the same salon, they booked me an appointment at the very same salon. Guangzu's mother got me the hairstylist who had a penchant for hacking patrons' hair to much shorter lengths. I was initially at ease with this arrangement but the Lees kept freaking me out about by telling me (complete with hand gestures) how the hairstylist was going to cut my hair really really short.

So yeah on that very life-changing day, I went to the hair salon nervous. I kept thinking in the car, "OMG MY HAIR LENGTH IS AROUND MY NAVEL. PLEASE DON'T CUT IT INTO A BOB. I WON'T LOOK GOOD."

Bye bye, mad long hair. I will sorely miss the tangles, fallen hair, weight, damaged/split ends... NOT!

I entered the salon and the stylist asked me what I had in mind. I had no idea. She gave me her input and suggestions and I gave the green light! Then she took a pair of scissors and bluntly cut the last 3 inches of my hair. Sob sob.

Next, I got my hair washed! The girl washing my hair said I had really really long hair. (Well, I'm taller than most girls and I've got a long torso... so hair till my navel is pretty damn long! Hehehe.)

After that was the cut and blow dry! The stylist hacked more of my hair off. She said it was an honour for her to cut my hair short and that I had "beautiful hair". (I'm quoting her!) She was really sweet, nice and attentive and before I knew it... I had shorter and layered hair!

GHOST HAHAHAHA.

Then she asked what fringe I wanted. I wanted a side part because it was easier to maintain... But then she nudged me towards bangs and went on about how I could pull it off... I knew that was the point of no return. I hesitated at first but gave in to temptation and got bangs anyway! Hehehe.


I was very satisfied with my haircut. I felt so happy and pampered... LIKE A PRINCESS HAHAHAHA. Two people were drying my hair at the same time. They said I had "beautiful straight hair". Teeheeeheeeeeeeeeee.

The stylist was really nice. She said I was naturally pretty too! "她很漂亮!自然漂亮!" But I am keeping the names of this salon and the stylist a secret cos I don't wanna share wtf. Selfish haha. She's already so busy. Ok just kidding. I'd tell if anyone asked! And I think it's quite obvious from the photos if you hang out in town often...

Teeheehee. I left the salon bursting with bliss. I was rambling on to my boyfriend on how happy I was and that nothing could ruin my day. "OMG I THINK THE SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER HAS COKE OR SOMETHING. I AM SO HAPPY!!!!" (obviously a joke)

We mere mortals will never master the salon blow-dry. HOW DO THEY DO IT?!

I'm totally having trouble recreating this look. The bangs do not stay straight or even most of the time :(

BTW, Guangzu (the photographer) kept smiling throughout my entire haircut. It was creepy.

And I got compliments from everyone! Except for boyfriend's brother :(
Guangyang: "OH MY GOD IT'S A DISASTER! DON'T YOU KNOW MY BROTHER HATES BANGS?!"
Obviously, GY was uninformed that I might have probably changed his brother's views on bangs. YOURS TRULY, IS PULLING THEM OFF. And GZ doesn't hate bangs! Unless he's lying to me >=(

So that concludes one chapter in The Chronicles of Krystal Aki Mizoguchi's Hair.

On a side note, I'm envious of boyfriend's family. They are so close-knitted and are some of the nicest, sweetest, most wonderful, fantastic, awesome people I know. It would definitely suck if I had to stop knowing them.

***

He refuses to take a decent photograph with me. We are the most camera-shy couple ever. We seldom take pictures and don't camwhore. Jeez are we abnormal?!

***

It's insane. I suddenly have all the time in the world for trivial matters! I can watch TV dramas, take hour-long showers, eat/sleep at any time of the day, go out and come back home at any ungodly hour. Basically I'm a free woman, I can do anything I want!

Contentment.
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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Saving My Sanity

2.5 H2s and all H1s down! One last paper, 6 days later. I hope this is the end of my journey to a local university. No exhorbitantly-priced private institutions for me please. Fucking lao kui for me only.

Anyway, drama today. Was about to finish showering when I realised water was refusing to drain away and the bathroom was flooded. Turns out the bathroom drain was clogged.

Went to the other bathroom wanting to slap on moisturiser and sunblock and found out that the excess floodwater was drained to there...

That meant that I couldn't use any water sources in my house without potentially causing water damage in the flat. I couldn't do anything that required water. Thank god I was already prepared for school. And then I left the house.

5 hours later, after my paper and a sinful dessert with Genevieve, I reached home (dry, thankfully) only to find out that the clogs weren't removed yet =( my bathrooms weren't fixed.

I was panicking 'cos I had to meet my boyfriend later on. I had to wash up, shower, smell nice and look presentable (in short, my usual self), but there was no way I could use water without worsening the floods. Then I thought, I could shower at my boyfriend's place, since asking my neighbours whether I could borrow their bathrooms was out of the question... (and asking friends who lived nearby was weirder)

But the pressing issue was that my bladder was bursting and I needed the toilet urgently. And I couldn't go because I couldn't wash my hands after... using hand sanitisers didn't seem hygienic enough... and I did not want to use any public toilets nearby because I know they're crazy dirty and I have this dislike for dirty toilets...

So I had to wait for my boyfriend to pick me up and head over to his place so I could use his toilet and shower. Nonetheless I still looked presentable enough and smelled decent haha! The journey to Geylang seemed so long suddenly and there was also the evening traffic jams =( Raced with him to the toilet from the main gate!

Because of me we couldn't really go out to celebrate our 10th month-sary! (So teenybopper. Happiie 10 m0nths w0rz) Felt okay with it cos I didn't feel like going out. Burned out from the A level exams man!

Oh and I can never feel at ease in his place at night. There's this cat that keeps coming into the house and she's kinda like their pet? His family feeds her and sayangs her and rarely chases her out.

One evening I saw a mouse next to the cat. The cat caught one and she looked so satisfied and proud! But soon after the mouse ran away! Later on at night I saw her playing with something in her mouth... There was a tail hanging out of her mouth... I didn't bother to check and ran back upstairs to the boyf's room, terrified...

Turns out the cat really killed the mouse! Sigh I know it's the cat's basic instinct but I've never seen a domestic cat with her prey? Gosh. And cats play with their prey/food too =/ Traumatised ever since. I've been staying away from the cat ever since that day, even though she loyally comes every evening/night...
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The world is broken
Halos fail to glisten
You try to make a difference
But no one wants to listen

Hail the preachers, fake and proud
Their doctrines will be cloud
Then they'll dissipate
Like snowflakes in an ocean
Neutron Star Collision by Muse 
(and it's in the Twilight soundtrack... sigh...)

The horror, Chemistry, is over! Left with Economics P2 (essays) tomorrow and Geography P2 (human geog) a week later. Essentially both papers place me in a race against time. 4 Data Response Questions and 2 essays within 3 hours for Human Geography. (The content knowledge itself is insane.) 3 essay questions for Economics. And who knows? Macroecons came out in the microecons (supposedly, I guess) case study. If the setters do this for the essay questions, I would be attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis (aka screwed). Maybe Cambridge would come up with high-level questions requiring critical analysis but still remaining in the syllabus...

Life's been pretty uninteresting. Same old same old. Consuming copious amounts of food and then feeling immense guilt and regret; studying unproductively; shopping online; watching TV dramas; surfing random websites; Internet stalking after receiving a tip-off from friends; obsessing over good-looking and/or well-dressed boys; squabbling over seemingly petty matters; spending the weekend at my boyfriend's place and also doing all of the above-mentioned, thus pissing him off... which then leads to another petty squabble.

In spite of my boring life, I've been doing more thinking lately *sips imaginary latte* (yeah right... like I don't think too much already...) Sometimes I feel people are undeserving of what they have. I'm not only talking about spoilt, rich brats who have everything even though they have never worked a single day in their entire lives.

In general I despise people who don't cherish what they already have. For instance I can never stand it when one hurls diatribes and insults at family, especially when in the wrong. There is no justification in shouting at someone who is related to you by blood. And what makes me feel worse?

Firstly, when the person being shouted at is all right with it. Smiles, jokes and all, acting as if nothing happened. Hello, you are the freaking victim. The other party is wrong and you should give him a swift kick to the balls.

Second would be the fact that all I can do about such a situation is... well... nothing...  because I cannot intrude in others' family affairs. I only get to stand there and gawk/listen and curse the rude screaming idiot in my head.

Thirdly, I hate it when the mean fucker who shouts at his family does not feel any remorse or guilt and does not attempt to resolve the matter. These lil fuckers actually expect to be forgiven immediately? Who do they think they are? The prince/princess of the world?

Just because my family loves me unconditionally, it doesn't mean that I should take this love for granted. I have never ignored the importance of family, even though I come from a single-parent family, which taught me that certain family members are actually capable of completely disappearing from my life. (I ought to applaud such a wonderful vanishing act.) In times of need, my mother and my brother especially, have always been there for me. Be it painful breakups, heartache, breakdowns or stress over academics, my beloved ones are there rooting for me :) I might not express my love much but they definitely are the only people I truly love.

There are so many people who have no families to love and be loved by, and yet there are people who don't appreciate what their families have done for them. I feel that there has to be respect between family members. One has to give respect in order to gain respect.

Now I feel like I'm contradicting the song lyrics I posted above. Preaching too much...

Lately I've been contemplative and broody. I don't know what I want in life and I can't figure out what I truly want either. It doesn't mean I'm upset and one huge emotional rollercoaster. I'm happy with how my life is right now, despite all the mistakes I've made, pain and heartache. I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to wake the fuck up and do something? Change paths? I don't remember life ever being so complicated. Is this growing up?

I've tried talking to someone dear to me but I found no closure. All I got was stuff I already knew: hard work and determination, the importance of full disclosure and honesty, how imperative my existence was, and most of the shit one usually gets from self-help resources.

I think that I need change in my life right now. I cannot keep everything at a constant. I don't want to be stuck in a rut. I want to be motivated, driven and aligned. I want to be on the "right track" for me, whatever it is.

I guess the hugest project I have to work on during the holidays is me.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

BITCH ALERT

Listen up, the future is bulletproof
The aftermath is secondary
It’s time to do it now and do it loud
Kill joys make some noise!

Ok I know I screwed up my first A Level paper (Geography Paper 1). Mark allocation for DRQ was insane. Oh man :(

Chemistry Paper 3 would be coming up soon, in less than 10 hours, and the only way I would get an A is that my script amazingly/mistakenly gets swapped with some genius' during marking and thus rewarding me with that poor dude's stellar grade. The probability of that happening is as high as me winning Miss Universe. Also as possible as me being pure blood royalty (PRINCESS!). You know... Maybe I was born in a time of instability and danger and I was handed over to commoners (my lovely parents), so enemies couldn't track down my royal family lineage. I'd be handed my royal title once I turn 21 (the legal adult age in Singapore). Alright I better stop this nonsense (& FACE REALITY! )Well, a girl is allowed to dream, isn't she?

***

I also realise I am, deep down, very sensitive when it comes to ex-lovers, old flames, former partners, etc etc... (in the most general term: EX-es!) I mean, on the surface, I try to be the cool girlfriend without the bad temper.

But sometimes I fail...

1. Thinking to self: "Oh hey my Facebook news feed is flooded with my ex-boyfriend's photo album. Is that his new girlfriend? Oh god... She's short. And not cute. And probably has bad breath and body odour. She's probably not very smart too."

2. "Oh you went out with (or slept with) 243354656 girls before me? I'm cool with that... It's your past..."

3. "WTF HE ONCE DATED HER?!?!?! SHE'S LIKE A MIDGET... I bet I'm taller than her by 20cm or so... And I'm hotter... Bigger tits and all..."

4. The realisation that every guy I've gone out with has dated or is dating a short girl. (Seriously I only know a handful of dudes who are confident enough to date tall girls.)

5. "EHH WHY'S HE SO SWEET TO HER?! :( I'M JEALOUS WTF"
"EHH OMG SAME DATE PLAN?!"
"We did the same thing too :("
"Why doesn't he do that with me..."

....AND ALL SORTS OF NONSENSE...

Okay some parts are exaggerated but the main gist is still there. (Seriously, I'm kidding for certain segments.) I try not to be bitchy but I'm human. I try to show some respect but I can't do it all the time. I judge and compare, and somehow attempt to make myself feel better. In crude terms, I'm just being kaypoh, right? I don't want to be the psychotic miserable girlfriend =.=

(BTW, it doesn't count if my guy's bitching about his ex-es. I find it hilarious... And not implying that my current boyfriend does that. He's too nice to do that HEHE.)

And it doesn't help that, in this Internet age, I unintentionally (or is it not...?) stumble upon certain information... Seriously there is little privacy with the rampant usage of Facebook, Twitter and blogs. (*cough* some call it Internet stalking *cough* but I disagree, I never wanted to know so much...)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The impending doom

From tomorrow to the 30th, I will be spending 21.5 hours furiously writing. 5 subjects. 10 papers. It's a downbeat thought, and the possibility of failure and the need to start all over again makes it all the more foreboding. I feel so unprepared but I am ready to face the consequences. It would take a miracle for me to get decent enough grades for the big three universities in Singapore.

Choosing the "A" Levels route only means one thing for me. Cram all I can within this two years and then apply the knowledge to answer the questions during examinations, just to obtain those grades for universities. It is the most rigorous and meaningless exams for me. I'm studying for the sake of choose a course to read in university. I mean, for those aiming for FASS, there are hardly any prerequisites because the subjects would be completely new to me. Would the content knowledge (not skills) I learned in YJC be relevant in university? Sigh... At least there would be some degree of familiarity for Science students...

Private universities have never crossed my mind because I doubt the value of an external degree obtained via coursework in Singapore. With competitors armed with a degree from NUS/NTU/SMU, I can't imagine entering the workforce with a qualifications from some random private institutions. I don't look down on people studying in such institutions because they have no choice. I mean, the indicative grade profiles for the universities are insane! No more "dumping" courses. Why are my fellow peers such over-achievers? Sigh.

And of course I don't want to go to a polytechnic to get a diploma. The 2 years in JC would be a waste.

Everyone's been expecting me to perform well. I'd feel so bad letting so many people down if I got shitty grades. Anyway if this really happens, I'll choose to repeat JC2 and get good grades. (Singlish outburst: I SUMPAH THAT ONE YEAR CONFIRM ENOUGH!) I'll feel pretty shitty, having to tell people that I retained in JC :( But why make myself unhappy by taking a course I'm uninterested in in a private institution?

My fellow peers who are taking the 'A' Level Examinations 2010, GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST. Everyone says they're the toughest examinations in our lives, followed by our driving tests! And YJCians, remember, POST-PROM PARTY!

[wonders if anyone actually reads this crap]

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;
But you won't do the same

Monday, September 6, 2010

I drink coffee like water and I still never know what to say.
I still don't know how to get out of bed half the time.
It's not pretty, or endearing.
I whisper you secrets; I am still looking to be saved; sometimes I am so weak; sometimes I am so strong.
Here you go, I'll give you everything for one more chance
My heart is ugly, but it could be all yours.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Newtonian

I believe in karma. What goes around comes around. Kinda like Newton's law. Every action brings about an opposite and equal reaction. If you derive pleasure and a sense of achievement from bringing others down with a lethal tongue, then someday someone dear to you would probably stab you in the back. I might understand why people would want to keep talking shit about someone they bear a grudge with, but what about those innocent victims who have done nothing to displease them?

For example, pretty girls are constantly bitched about for, well, being a huge selfish arrogant bitch even though they might be the nicest girls on planet Earth. People would find some sort of flaw or negative aspect and blow it up and turn it into a gossip fodder. Ugly girls are picked on for being less aesthetically pleasing. Don't make me mention the constant teasing of fat people. So what if they're fat? They can lose weight, but evil people can't really change their mindsets, can they?

Some dude I used to know used to get this sense of superiority by talking shit about "lesser beings" (relative to how oh-so-awesome he is). To be truthful, at first I found his bitching really hilarious but afterwards I realised that he also bitched about his closer friends. They now still pretend to be friends btw. Amusing. Why bother to be fake friends?

I'm glad to have some people out of my life now. They were never worth my time. They can bitch all about me all they want, but I won't give a flying fuck. Nobody's perfect. I have flaws but that is what makes me, me. I could be crazy stupid and ugly to some but they're invisible to me. I can be who I want to be and say whatever I like because the people who mind don't matter and the people who matter don't mind.
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Thursday, August 19, 2010

Drama

I can't seem to love anymore. Far too damaged.

No faith in guys anymore. They just end up screwing the minds of the girls they claim to love.

I bust your windows out your car
And no it didn't mend my broken heart
I'll probably always have these ugly scars
But right now I don't care about that part

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Dysfunction

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer

Preliminary examinations now. I'm so stressed and unprepared. I don't know where to start from. I don't even feel like starting.

All hope seems lost. I feel like someone punched me in the gut, like someone punched the air out of me. Disenchantment. Despair. Disenchantment. I like it, but everyone fucking hates it. I like having dysfunction in my life because somehow leading a screwed up life feels real. I don't crave for perfection. I'm not idealistic. I just want to live life and get over with it. I've no aims in life for now. Everyone's telling me to study, get a job, get married, have kids, blah blah blah. Basically, slog my entire life. What for? Why do I even exist when I don't even cherish life?

You could wait for a lifetime
To spend your days in the sunshine
You might as well do the white line

Is it worth the aggravation
To find yourself a job when there's nothing worth working for?
It's a crazy situation

I know I've hurt many with my actions. I know many have tried to help me. But what for, when I don't even freaking care? Sometimes I feel my parents deserve a more filial daughter; my brother deserves a more concerned sister; my boyfriend deserves someone better. I wonder why people don't give up on me when I'm so hopeless. I whine how fucked up life is but I don't do anything to make things happen. Maybe I should be left alone to wallow in self-pity till I die.