Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The world is broken
Halos fail to glisten
You try to make a difference
But no one wants to listen

Hail the preachers, fake and proud
Their doctrines will be cloud
Then they'll dissipate
Like snowflakes in an ocean
Neutron Star Collision by Muse 
(and it's in the Twilight soundtrack... sigh...)

The horror, Chemistry, is over! Left with Economics P2 (essays) tomorrow and Geography P2 (human geog) a week later. Essentially both papers place me in a race against time. 4 Data Response Questions and 2 essays within 3 hours for Human Geography. (The content knowledge itself is insane.) 3 essay questions for Economics. And who knows? Macroecons came out in the microecons (supposedly, I guess) case study. If the setters do this for the essay questions, I would be attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis (aka screwed). Maybe Cambridge would come up with high-level questions requiring critical analysis but still remaining in the syllabus...

Life's been pretty uninteresting. Same old same old. Consuming copious amounts of food and then feeling immense guilt and regret; studying unproductively; shopping online; watching TV dramas; surfing random websites; Internet stalking after receiving a tip-off from friends; obsessing over good-looking and/or well-dressed boys; squabbling over seemingly petty matters; spending the weekend at my boyfriend's place and also doing all of the above-mentioned, thus pissing him off... which then leads to another petty squabble.

In spite of my boring life, I've been doing more thinking lately *sips imaginary latte* (yeah right... like I don't think too much already...) Sometimes I feel people are undeserving of what they have. I'm not only talking about spoilt, rich brats who have everything even though they have never worked a single day in their entire lives.

In general I despise people who don't cherish what they already have. For instance I can never stand it when one hurls diatribes and insults at family, especially when in the wrong. There is no justification in shouting at someone who is related to you by blood. And what makes me feel worse?

Firstly, when the person being shouted at is all right with it. Smiles, jokes and all, acting as if nothing happened. Hello, you are the freaking victim. The other party is wrong and you should give him a swift kick to the balls.

Second would be the fact that all I can do about such a situation is... well... nothing...  because I cannot intrude in others' family affairs. I only get to stand there and gawk/listen and curse the rude screaming idiot in my head.

Thirdly, I hate it when the mean fucker who shouts at his family does not feel any remorse or guilt and does not attempt to resolve the matter. These lil fuckers actually expect to be forgiven immediately? Who do they think they are? The prince/princess of the world?

Just because my family loves me unconditionally, it doesn't mean that I should take this love for granted. I have never ignored the importance of family, even though I come from a single-parent family, which taught me that certain family members are actually capable of completely disappearing from my life. (I ought to applaud such a wonderful vanishing act.) In times of need, my mother and my brother especially, have always been there for me. Be it painful breakups, heartache, breakdowns or stress over academics, my beloved ones are there rooting for me :) I might not express my love much but they definitely are the only people I truly love.

There are so many people who have no families to love and be loved by, and yet there are people who don't appreciate what their families have done for them. I feel that there has to be respect between family members. One has to give respect in order to gain respect.

Now I feel like I'm contradicting the song lyrics I posted above. Preaching too much...

Lately I've been contemplative and broody. I don't know what I want in life and I can't figure out what I truly want either. It doesn't mean I'm upset and one huge emotional rollercoaster. I'm happy with how my life is right now, despite all the mistakes I've made, pain and heartache. I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to wake the fuck up and do something? Change paths? I don't remember life ever being so complicated. Is this growing up?

I've tried talking to someone dear to me but I found no closure. All I got was stuff I already knew: hard work and determination, the importance of full disclosure and honesty, how imperative my existence was, and most of the shit one usually gets from self-help resources.

I think that I need change in my life right now. I cannot keep everything at a constant. I don't want to be stuck in a rut. I want to be motivated, driven and aligned. I want to be on the "right track" for me, whatever it is.

I guess the hugest project I have to work on during the holidays is me.

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