Saving My Sanity

2.5 H2s and all H1s down! One last paper, 6 days later. I hope this is the end of my journey to a local university. No exhorbitantly-priced private institutions for me please. Fucking lao kui for me only.

Anyway, drama today. Was about to finish showering when I realised water was refusing to drain away and the bathroom was flooded. Turns out the bathroom drain was clogged.

Went to the other bathroom wanting to slap on moisturiser and sunblock and found out that the excess floodwater was drained to there...

That meant that I couldn't use any water sources in my house without potentially causing water damage in the flat. I couldn't do anything that required water. Thank god I was already prepared for school. And then I left the house.

5 hours later, after my paper and a sinful dessert with Genevieve, I reached home (dry, thankfully) only to find out that the clogs weren't removed yet =( my bathrooms weren't fixed.

I was panicking 'cos I had to meet my boyfriend later on. I had to wash up, shower, smell nice and look presentable (in short, my usual self), but there was no way I could use water without worsening the floods. Then I thought, I could shower at my boyfriend's place, since asking my neighbours whether I could borrow their bathrooms was out of the question... (and asking friends who lived nearby was weirder)

But the pressing issue was that my bladder was bursting and I needed the toilet urgently. And I couldn't go because I couldn't wash my hands after... using hand sanitisers didn't seem hygienic enough... and I did not want to use any public toilets nearby because I know they're crazy dirty and I have this dislike for dirty toilets...

So I had to wait for my boyfriend to pick me up and head over to his place so I could use his toilet and shower. Nonetheless I still looked presentable enough and smelled decent haha! The journey to Geylang seemed so long suddenly and there was also the evening traffic jams =( Raced with him to the toilet from the main gate!

Because of me we couldn't really go out to celebrate our 10th month-sary! (So teenybopper. Happiie 10 m0nths w0rz) Felt okay with it cos I didn't feel like going out. Burned out from the A level exams man!

Oh and I can never feel at ease in his place at night. There's this cat that keeps coming into the house and she's kinda like their pet? His family feeds her and sayangs her and rarely chases her out.

One evening I saw a mouse next to the cat. The cat caught one and she looked so satisfied and proud! But soon after the mouse ran away! Later on at night I saw her playing with something in her mouth... There was a tail hanging out of her mouth... I didn't bother to check and ran back upstairs to the boyf's room, terrified...

Turns out the cat really killed the mouse! Sigh I know it's the cat's basic instinct but I've never seen a domestic cat with her prey? Gosh. And cats play with their prey/food too =/ Traumatised ever since. I've been staying away from the cat ever since that day, even though she loyally comes every evening/night...

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The world is broken
Halos fail to glisten
You try to make a difference
But no one wants to listen

Hail the preachers, fake and proud
Their doctrines will be cloud
Then they'll dissipate
Like snowflakes in an ocean

Neutron Star Collision by Muse 

(and it's in the Twilight soundtrack... sigh...)

The horror, Chemistry, is over! Left with Economics P2 (essays) tomorrow and Geography P2 (human geog) a week later. Essentially both papers place me in a race against time. 4 Data Response Questions and 2 essays within 3 hours for Human Geography. (The content knowledge itself is insane.) 3 essay questions for Economics. And who knows? Macroecons came out in the microecons (supposedly, I guess) case study. If the setters do this for the essay questions, I would be attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis (aka screwed). Maybe Cambridge would come up with high-level questions requiring critical analysis but still remaining in the syllabus...

Life's been pretty uninteresting. Same old same old. Consuming copious amounts of food and then feeling immense guilt and regret; studying unproductively; shopping online; watching TV dramas; surfing random websites; Internet stalking after receiving a tip-off from friends; obsessing over good-looking and/or well-dressed boys; squabbling over seemingly petty matters; spending the weekend at my boyfriend's place and also doing all of the above-mentioned, thus pissing him off... which then leads to another petty squabble.

In spite of my boring life, I've been doing more thinking lately *sips imaginary latte* (yeah right... like I don't think too much already...) Sometimes I feel people are undeserving of what they have. I'm not only talking about spoilt, rich brats who have everything even though they have never worked a single day in their entire lives.

In general I despise people who don't cherish what they already have. For instance I can never stand it when one hurls diatribes and insults at family, especially when in the wrong. There is no justification in shouting at someone who is related to you by blood. And what makes me feel worse?

Firstly, when the person being shouted at is all right with it. Smiles, jokes and all, acting as if nothing happened. Hello, you are the freaking victim. The other party is wrong and you should give him a swift kick to the balls.

Second would be the fact that all I can do about such a situation is... well... nothing...  because I cannot intrude in others' family affairs. I only get to stand there and gawk/listen and curse the rude screaming idiot in my head.

Thirdly, I hate it when the mean fucker who shouts at his family does not feel any remorse or guilt and does not attempt to resolve the matter. These lil fuckers actually expect to be forgiven immediately? Who do they think they are? The prince/princess of the world?

Just because my family loves me unconditionally, it doesn't mean that I should take this love for granted. I have never ignored the importance of family, even though I come from a single-parent family, which taught me that certain family members are actually capable of completely disappearing from my life. (I ought to applaud such a wonderful vanishing act.) In times of need, my mother and my brother especially, have always been there for me. Be it painful breakups, heartache, breakdowns or stress over academics, my beloved ones are there rooting for me :) I might not express my love much but they definitely are the only people I truly love.

There are so many people who have no families to love and be loved by, and yet there are people who don't appreciate what their families have done for them. I feel that there has to be respect between family members. One has to give respect in order to gain respect.

Now I feel like I'm contradicting the song lyrics I posted above. Preaching too much...

Lately I've been contemplative and broody. I don't know what I want in life and I can't figure out what I truly want either. It doesn't mean I'm upset and one huge emotional rollercoaster. I'm happy with how my life is right now, despite all the mistakes I've made, pain and heartache. I don't know what to do. Am I supposed to wake the fuck up and do something? Change paths? I don't remember life ever being so complicated. Is this growing up?

I've tried talking to someone dear to me but I found no closure. All I got was stuff I already knew: hard work and determination, the importance of full disclosure and honesty, how imperative my existence was, and most of the shit one usually gets from self-help resources.

I think that I need change in my life right now. I cannot keep everything at a constant. I don't want to be stuck in a rut. I want to be motivated, driven and aligned. I want to be on the "right track" for me, whatever it is.

I guess the hugest project I have to work on during the holidays is me.

BITCH ALERT

Listen up, the future is bulletproof
The aftermath is secondary
It’s time to do it now and do it loud
Kill joys make some noise!

Ok I know I screwed up my first A Level paper (Geography Paper 1). Mark allocation for DRQ was insane. Oh man :(

Chemistry Paper 3 would be coming up soon, in less than 10 hours, and the only way I would get an A is that my script amazingly/mistakenly gets swapped with some genius' during marking and thus rewarding me with that poor dude's stellar grade. The probability of that happening is as high as me winning Miss Universe. Also as possible as me being pure blood royalty (PRINCESS!). You know... Maybe I was born in a time of instability and danger and I was handed over to commoners (my lovely parents), so enemies couldn't track down my royal family lineage. I'd be handed my royal title once I turn 21 (the legal adult age in Singapore). Alright I better stop this nonsense (& FACE REALITY! )Well, a girl is allowed to dream, isn't she?

***

I also realise I am, deep down, very sensitive when it comes to ex-lovers, old flames, former partners, etc etc... (in the most general term: EX-es!) I mean, on the surface, I try to be the cool girlfriend without the bad temper.

But sometimes I fail...

1. Thinking to self: "Oh hey my Facebook news feed is flooded with my ex-boyfriend's photo album. Is that his new girlfriend? Oh god... She's short. And not cute. And probably has bad breath and body odour. She's probably not very smart too."

2. "Oh you went out with (or slept with) 243354656 girls before me? I'm cool with that... It's your past..."

3. "WTF HE ONCE DATED HER?!?!?! SHE'S LIKE A MIDGET... I bet I'm taller than her by 20cm or so... And I'm hotter... Bigger tits and all..."

4. The realisation that every guy I've gone out with has dated or is dating a short girl. (Seriously I only know a handful of dudes who are confident enough to date tall girls.)

5. "EHH WHY'S HE SO SWEET TO HER?! :( I'M JEALOUS WTF"
"EHH OMG SAME DATE PLAN?!"
"We did the same thing too :("
"Why doesn't he do that with me..."

....AND ALL SORTS OF NONSENSE...

Okay some parts are exaggerated but the main gist is still there. (Seriously, I'm kidding for certain segments.) I try not to be bitchy but I'm human. I try to show some respect but I can't do it all the time. I judge and compare, and somehow attempt to make myself feel better. In crude terms, I'm just being kaypoh, right? I don't want to be the psychotic miserable girlfriend =.=

(BTW, it doesn't count if my guy's bitching about his ex-es. I find it hilarious... And not implying that my current boyfriend does that. He's too nice to do that HEHE.)

And it doesn't help that, in this Internet age, I unintentionally (or is it not...?) stumble upon certain information... Seriously there is little privacy with the rampant usage of Facebook, Twitter and blogs. (*cough* some call it Internet stalking *cough* but I disagree, I never wanted to know so much...)

The impending doom

From tomorrow to the 30th, I will be spending 21.5 hours furiously writing. 5 subjects. 10 papers. It's a downbeat thought, and the possibility of failure and the need to start all over again makes it all the more foreboding. I feel so unprepared but I am ready to face the consequences. It would take a miracle for me to get decent enough grades for the big three universities in Singapore.

Choosing the "A" Levels route only means one thing for me. Cram all I can within this two years and then apply the knowledge to answer the questions during examinations, just to obtain those grades for universities. It is the most rigorous and meaningless exams for me. I'm studying for the sake of choose a course to read in university. I mean, for those aiming for FASS, there are hardly any prerequisites because the subjects would be completely new to me. Would the content knowledge (not skills) I learned in YJC be relevant in university? Sigh... At least there would be some degree of familiarity for Science students...

Private universities have never crossed my mind because I doubt the value of an external degree obtained via coursework in Singapore. With competitors armed with a degree from NUS/NTU/SMU, I can't imagine entering the workforce with a qualifications from some random private institutions. I don't look down on people studying in such institutions because they have no choice. I mean, the indicative grade profiles for the universities are insane! No more "dumping" courses. Why are my fellow peers such over-achievers? Sigh.

And of course I don't want to go to a polytechnic to get a diploma. The 2 years in JC would be a waste.

Everyone's been expecting me to perform well. I'd feel so bad letting so many people down if I got shitty grades. Anyway if this really happens, I'll choose to repeat JC2 and get good grades. (Singlish outburst: I SUMPAH THAT ONE YEAR CONFIRM ENOUGH!) I'll feel pretty shitty, having to tell people that I retained in JC :( But why make myself unhappy by taking a course I'm uninterested in in a private institution?

My fellow peers who are taking the 'A' Level Examinations 2010, GOOD LUCK AND ALL THE BEST. Everyone says they're the toughest examinations in our lives, followed by our driving tests! And YJCians, remember, POST-PROM PARTY!

[wonders if anyone actually reads this crap]

Gave you all I had
And you tossed it in the trash
You tossed it in the trash, you did
To give me all your love is all I ever asked,
Cause what you don't understand is
I’d catch a grenade for ya
Throw my hand on a blade for ya
I’d jump in front of a train for ya
You know I'd do anything for ya
I would go through all this pain,
Take a bullet straight through my brain,
Yes, I would die for ya baby ;
But you won't do the same